Month: September 2005

  • Quick Fiction - Arachne Tragedy


    because it's time to revive the penny dreadful novel craze





    THE SPIDER took a cautious step, then another. Six legs down, two legs up, waving gently in the air.

    She knew there was danger nearby. There was no mistaking the rhythmic pulse, the scent - she was passing over the body of a large living creature.

    Step, step. Pause. She felt the air; she tasted the air. All eight legs down; a long, meditative pause. Her four right limbs were spread across a broad, open expanse of flesh; her four left limbs were a little more bunched up against a small hillock of flesh - a nose.

    She held very still as the air filled with a vibratory noise, and a gust of wind swept by her - it was a snore.

    After a moment's pause, she resumed her cautious pace. One step. Another. Three.

    She made her slow, delicate way past the nose, gently, fearful of attracting unwanted attention. At the same time, she longed to be out of harm's way.

    Another step. This time her delicate, hairy forelimb landed on a patch of moisture. Another pause, then she crept onwards.

    Ahead of her was a chasm. She could see across it - from one lip, to another. She drew herself up and gently extended her limbs across the gap. It was only a quarter inch of distance.

    Another tremor from deep inside the creature froze her in her tracks yet again, her silken body poised over the gap. The chasm widened, becoming a full inch wide - then an inch and a half. She held herself motionless until the movements of the terrain beneath her ceased.

    Gently, slowly, she drew herself forward. Six legs down; two legs up, feeling at the air. Another gust of wind passed by her, but gently enough not to perturb her. The chasm widened yet more, even as her torso passed over the edge of the first lip, but more slowly than it had before. Two inches; two inches and a quarter. She put two legs down, and two others up; she was excercising the utmost caution in her journey.

    Another gust of air, a sudden, sharp one, came from directly beneath her. She dropped her two extended legs and froze.

    Suddenly the mouth opened a full four inches wide, and sucked in a gust of air. Limbs flailing, she dropped into the chasm and landed on a large, moist, moving monolith - a tongue. She scrambled frantically, biting desperately, filled with insectile adrenaline and terror.

    The human grunted, swallowed, and woke up with a cough. The spider died.

    Let us bow our heads a moment; this tragedy has played out in many homes across the world. Let us shed a sympathetic tear for the poor spiders who suffer this terrible fate. And blast those human bastards.


    - Bill Noble




    When being harassed, never forget the Five Words - "Die, piggy piggy, die, die." Or something like that.

  • Police Officers are Useless Tits - Part II.

     

    Once again I'm being harrassed by piggos. This time it's for wearing a jacket in public, or public exposure of my scalp or some damn thing.

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "Are you guys Neo-Nazi Skinheads?"

     

    Me: "No. I'm a White Nationalist Skinhead, my buddy's a National Socialist."

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "Are you guys Neo-Nazi Skinheads?"

     

    Me: "What did I just tell you?"

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "Are you guys Nazis or Aryan Nations?"

     

    Me: "Aryan Nations are Christian, dumbass!"

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "Are you guys Nazis or Aryan Nations?"

     

    (After several more boring, and exceedingly repetitious questions, always asked twice):

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "Are you guys racist Skinheads?"

     

    Me: "Yes."

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "Are you guys racist Skinheads?"

     

    Me: "How about you quit wasting my tax dollars and get back to work?"

     

    Sgt. Sauter: "I am working! I'm asking you questions." (I walk away). Sgt. Sauter: "Guy can't even answer a simple question! Guy can't even answer a simple question! Guy can't even answer a simple question! Guy can't even answer a simple question! ..." (fades into the distance.)

     

    Hey, piggos, reel that robot back in and rewire him, I think he broke. Or maybe you should refrain from hiring mentally challenged rejects in the first place. Please contact me at theexterminance@yahoo.ca to arrange for the reimbursement of all my tax dollars that have been funneled towards your incompetent management.

     


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      What is wrong with you people? You guys are just dumb idiots who have nothing better to do than sit around and complain! My lord yall are childish idiots who need to grow up and accept the people around you. You make me sick!!!!
      Posted 8/31/2005 at 12:55 PM by plastic_camel_toe


    What is it with these mindless emitters of inane noises? "Grow up and accept the people around you" says PCT, while obviously not having accomplished this his or herself, as he or she shows no acceptance for me or my right to voice my opinions. "Nothing better to do than sit around and complain!", says this buffoon, who has registered a blog but posted nothing on it, due to having nothing better to do than sit around and complain.


    But all this is normal behavior from an anti. Virtually every word or expression progressing from their mouths is ridiculously self-contradictory. Look long and hard upon this - the neo-Liberal - an abomination against Nature and an embarassment to Mankind.


    Would you want to be a plastic camel toe? Or would you like to be a clear-minded, free-thinking master of your own destiny?


    I hope the choice is not a hard one.




    UPDATE on my situation: At this point, Corporal Sean McGowan can officially be listed as a criminal. Although he has my E-mail address and can contact me quite easily, he has neither contacted me to inform me that he has legally applied to hold my property for another three-month period, nor has he contacted me to inform me that my property is about to be returned.

    Confucious say "Why man thought to be wise for speak with broken English?"